Satire

Nation Heaves Sigh of Relief After Taking 244 Pound Dump

WASHINGTON, DC — A once constipated nation can rest a little easier. Late Saturday Morning, the United States of America collectively took a giant dump after four years of building up and being backed up by a tremendous pile of foul, putrid shit. 

At about 10:30 AM central time, the nation went into the bathroom hoping beyond hope that it would finally have results.  Shortly after, an almost record-breaking amount of the most disgusting, repulsive and offensive pile of defecation was forcibly ejected from the beleaguered country.  

“Nothing about that was a pleasant process,” The U.S. said later. “The dookie was more toxic and detestable than we previously thought possible. That disgusting mound of feces had been rotting and festering for the last 4 years. I’m just thankful it’s over.”

The process to expel the vile dung heap was started in earnest early Tuesday morning. The U.S. continued, “We actually were prepping long before that but Tuesday is when we really started to bear down and make an effort to shit the biggest shit that had ever been shat. We knew the process wasn’t going to be done by Tuesday evening, but we never expected it to take as long as it did.”

“At first people were pretty understanding and encouraging. They’d say things like, ‘These things take time’ and ‘Don’t put all your shits in one toilet.’ After Wednesday and Thursday didn’t yield results they became less patient, but thankfully Friday there was finally some movement and we knew it would just be a matter of time.”

Now that the dirty part is over, the real work can begin. The U.S. went on to say, “When you’ve got that large of a stack of excrement in you for four years, it does a lot of damage. I basically got ripped apart from the inside. The left and right kidneys are no longer working together, there’s still that pesky respiratory virus, and don’t even get me started on the prolapsed economy.”

“The worst part is that even though that unholy racist mass of feculence has been expelled, we still can’t get rid of it for about 3 months.” The U.S. turns serious for a moment. “It can still do some damage, but for the most part I think it’s lost any desire to. Right now, at least, we can take a moment to celebrate.”

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire