Satire

Pfizer: Coronavirus Vaccine 90% Effective at Starting Conspiracy Theories

HOLLYWOOD, FL — After eight months of grueling work to develop a coronavirus vaccine, researchers at Pfizer concluded Monday that their vaccine is extremely effective when it comes to rapidly sparking conspiracy theories online.

“We’re seeing effectiveness rates of over 90%, particularly on Parler,” Dr Fran Contortable said. “Almost immediately upon injection of the knowledge of our vaccine, the theories pop up and spread like dangerous wildfires. It’s simply remarkable.”

Parler, a relatively newer and heavily conservative social media app, is where Pfizer saw their highest rates. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube followed close behind with percentages in the high eighties.

“We saw results immediately,” Dr Contortable said of their first test. “Not only 10 minus after injection, we started to see articles pop up like, ‘CONSPIRACY?? VACCINE EFFECTIVENESS NEWS RELEASED JUST AFTER BIDEN STEALS WHITE HOUSE!’ and, ‘EPIDEMIOLOGIST IN THE BACK OF THIS CHEVY ASTRO IN THE PARK CONFIRMS NEW VACCINE MADE FROM BLENDED UP FETUSES!’ and of course, “IT’S A TRICK! CORONAVIRUS VACCINE IS JUST GEORGE SOROS’ PEE!’

Time will tell whether the vaccine will be as truly effective at creating a horde of disinformation when it’s finally produced and distributed on a mass scale, but doctors are confident that will happen.

“This effectiveness rate may drive down the actual effectiveness rate of the vaccine preventing COVID-19,” Dr Contorable added. “So, strap in… it’s going to be a rough couple of months.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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