Satire

Coworker Flogged for ‘Replying All’ a Second Time

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local office worker Randy Collins is in stable condition at a local hospital after being surrounded and then flogged by a mob of livid coworkers for replying all a second time. 

Reports indicate that the melee began after manager Gary Willis sent an email to all staff announcing changes to parking and routine building maintenance.  

Collins then replied to all asking if their permits would still be valid, a move that triggered mild angry reactions among coworkers.

“As for that first reply all, I’ll allow it because maybe that is information pertinent to everybody. I still wasn’t happy about it, though, because I figured a bunch of other people would start chiming in with other crap I don’t care about,” said accountant Susan Ramone. 

However, the situation soon escalated when minutes later, Collins shockingly replied all for a second time asking about this year’s Christmas party.

“It’s barely fucking November, and he decides to pull this shit? I knew right then he was a dead man,” said data analyst Brian Hogan, who also furnished kerosene for the upcoming witch hunt. “Honestly, I couldn’t wait to punch his squirmy face and tan that sumbitch’s hide for this. And I like Randy. He’s very helpful.”

At approximately 1:30 P.M., a group of angry coworkers, including Ramone and Hogan, began gathering in the break room. 

As tensions rose and the group worked themselves into a frenzy, mob mentality took over. 

Brandishing torches and pitchforks, the angry mob then marched to Collins’s desk, encircled him, and proceeded to throw staplers, pens, and other office debris at him while chanting “Shame, shame, shame” in unison.

Angry coworkers corner a man who replied to all.

The situation then hit a fever pitch when one unnamed office assistant tore off his tie and fashioned it into a devastating whip using a sawed off lamppost, a paper weight, and pushpins. 

The assistant then proceeded to flog Collins mercilessly until he exhausted himself. 

Others joined in the beating, dispatching various kicks, punches, and other assaults to Collins. 

Doris Berkshine, payroll specialist, even delivered a Macho Man Randy Savage-style flying elbow off the top of a desk partition as another man pinned Collins to the floor with his own mouse cord.

One coworker reportedly constructed a weapon similar to this medieval whipping ball.

Collins was later taken to the hospital after Willis intervened, proclaiming Collins had “paid his dues.” 

Coworkers remained unapologetic even after the extreme beating.

“I’ve known Randy for 20 years. Our families vacation together. Loved the guy, but there is a line. I regret nothing of what happened here today, and I hope he reads this,” said Daryl King, who works in maintenance. “You see this, Randy? Look at me, Randy! Don’t you ever do that shit again!” 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire