Satire

Thanksgiving Tests Positive for Being a Total Fucking Nightmare This Year

LA CROSSE, WIS — Public officials are now expecting Thanksgiving 2020 to be the absolute worst on record.

“Dealing with family members on Thanksgiving is always tricky business,” holiday analyst Jeremy Scubhub said. “Someone at some point will accidentally say something that could trigger a political conversation, but for the most part – if you’re careful – you can avoid it until everyone’s put to sleep from tryptophan and Merlot. This year, that is just not possible. People are going to be talking about it, probably immediately and fervently at that.”

Officials say the 2020 election – which somehow both has, and has not been decided depending on who you talk to – will just be too great a temptation to ignore as a topic of conversation. Reports indicate many area residents are loading up on aspirin and Tylenol for the upcoming and unavoidable headaches.

“We fully expect that somebody’s unmasked uncle will argue that they have the right to open carry at the dinner table,” Scubhub continued, “You know… someone will say, ‘Hey, you don’t need that at the table!’ and then he’ll reply, ‘It’s not called the Bill of NEEDS, Sheila!!’. All the while, your daughter who’s home from college and swears she’s been safe – despite partying literally every single weekend – will go ahead and infect everyone with COVID-19.”

The combination of exploding coronavirus cases and 2020 election fallout is why officials like Scubhub are dubbing this Thanksgiving as “A Festival of Sadness and Potatoes” and “A Total Fucking Nightmare With Gravy”.

“We know smart people are saying to skip this one, and even Christmas too, but honestly…  Ask yourself what person do I know who doesn’t think that they can somehow avoid all of this for their Thanksgiving and be totally fine? Is the answer absolutely no one? I bet it was. That’s because ‘no one’ is exactly who is left that still listens to smart people,” Scubhub finished. 

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire