Satire

BREAKING: GOP Rally Title Couldn’t Be More Fucking Perfect

ONALASKA, WIS — In what seems to be an attempt to organize a “Stop The Steal” rally, republicans in Onalaska are instead organizing a “Steal The Vote” rally. According to residents, this marks the most perfect fucking thing that’s happened in the La Crosse area ever since that time a bar owner wore an “I’m With Dumb Dumb” t-shirt on television while insisting opening the bars fully wasn’t that bad of an idea.

“I have tears in my eyes, and they represent a lot of emotions,” Onalaska resident Rick Jeters said, “but most of that is pure joy and laughter. I know their actual sentiment is one that’s a danger to the future of democracy, but fuck if that is not the most perfect mistake I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.”

“Maybe they meant ‘Steele The Vote’…? As in Steele Dossier…?” West Salem resident James Kockadoodle said. “You know, like a convoluted way of saying ‘Piss On The Vote’…? I don’t know. Pretty far-fetched, I’m just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.”

“Stop The Steal” is of course the latest rallying cry of those who believe in the baseless claim that rampant voter fraud stole the presidential election from Donald Trump for President-elect Joe Biden. Critics and most other people of value have pointed out that officials across the country along with judges hearing the cases brought to them by the Trump campaign have found no evidence to support those claims at all, and that the “Stop The Steal” movement itself is just a way to try and steal the election for Donald Trump.

“That’s why this sign is so perfect,” La Crosse resident Laramy Grenstrow said. “They didn’t just say the quiet part out loud, they put it in big block letters on a marquee for any motorist or pedestrian to see. You just can’t make that up.”

Residents with any questions about the “Steal The Vote” rally on November 15th are perfectly within their right to call the listed phone number: 606-4516 for more information.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire