Satire

Drunken College Student Eats Full Stack of Used Cars With Maple Syrup at 3 AM

LA CROSSE, WIS — It’s one massive stomach ache for a local college student this morning, as he ingested several short stacks of used sedans at approximately 3:15 AM Thursday.

Steven Brokenheimer, 22, after a full Wednesday night of drinking craved – as many do in his situation – a late night meal to water down the alcohol intake.

“Steve kept insisting we go to Perkins for their breakfast food,” his friend Kayley Frontbut said, “but we were like okay… pretty sure that’s closed, right? He told us he swore it was still there and had the best food you could get after three, so we went there anyway.”

The soberest of their group of five drove them to Perkins’ former location on Rose Street, which is when four of them noticed that it was now Coulee Auto, a local car dealership.

“We were all talking about how it was a car dealership now, but Steve just jumped out screaming ‘PANCAKES!’ over and over while he walked over and started chomping down on a Ford Taurus,” Frontbut said. “He was… well he had a Three Wisemen shot at Broncos, so he was pretty fucked up.”

Despite his friends’ pleading, Brokenheimer continued eating cars for nearly two hours, stopping only to pour his homemade maple syrup and to shout back at his friends about “how good Perkins is, right?”

“I don’t know how in the absolute fuck he did it, but he ate like three cars before the cops showed up,” Frontbut added. “Like, I get hungry when I’m drunk, but that was unbelievable.”

Sellen Carsmeister, owner of Coulee Auto told reporters this morning Brokenheimer caused about $31,000 in damage to all three vehicles, but expressed the most concern for Brokenhemier himself.

“All those cars were insured, so we’ll be fine, but… that kid’s morning deuce is gonna be a doozy,” Carsmeister said.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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