Satire

Evers: State Can Have a Pizza Party if Coronavirus Cases Go Down

MADISON, WIS — Governor Evers put his experience as school teacher, principal and administrator to good use Tuesday afternoon when he promised that if coronavirus infection rates went down in Wisconsin, the state would get a special treat. 

“Wisconsin, this is serious. This crisis is urgent,” Evers said. “It’s not safe to go out, it’s not safe to have others over — it’s just not safe. That’s why, if we can get the numbers to go down before winter break, you all get to have — a pizza party!”

This unique move by Evers may be a response to efforts by conservatives to challenge his coronavirus mandates in court. 

Evers concluded his speech, “We must start fighting this virus, together, and we must start tonight. Besides, are you really gonna challenge a pizza party in court? Fuck right off!” 

Later on, Governor Evers expanded on the details of the pizza party. 

“We’ll probably get Pizza Hut. Refreshments will be provided and I might even whip up a little something special for dessert. Everyone can take two slices, and can go back for seconds only after everyone else has eaten. Also, you don’t have to watch, but a movie will be shown.”

The date of the pizza party and the specific goals required for the party have not yet been determined by the Governor. 

Reporter DJ Bigalke contributed to this article.

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