Satire

Jeff Bezos Gives Birth to Thousands of Tiny Minimum Wage Warehouse Workers

SEATTLE, WA — Several of the top central bankers in the United States warned that the prospect of a COVID-19 vaccine is not enough to put an end to the economic challenges created by the pandemic. Answering the call, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has given birth to thousands of tiny disposable minimum wage workers to help boost the economy. 

“Bezos need the economy to feed, and the economy need Bezos to feed,” Bezos explained after his words were translated from Huttese, “Bezos provide disposable labor and economy provide Bezos money. Ho ho ho ho.”

According to an August U.S. Census Bureau Small Business Pulse Survey, 79% of small businesses have experienced moderate-to-severe negative effects from the pandemic. During this time, Amazon has more than doubled its profits with Bezos’ net worth ballooning to $200 billion dollars. 

It has been reported that the workers Bezos has birthed will receive minimum wage, have no benefits, and work horrendously long hours under grueling conditions.  When one collapses due to exhaustion or illness, their limp bodies are tossed into the Sarlacc pit where they are slowly digested over a 1000 years (or likely just suffocate within minutes). 

Any birthed employee who shows any indication of forming a union or demands higher wages may do so, but only after they defeat the Rancor in a battle to the death. 

“Bezos make disposable food for economy to feast and get strong,” Bezos commented over the sound of his pet Kowakian monkey-lizard Salacious Crumb’s shrill cackle, “Your livable-wage mind tricks won’t work on me, liberal jedi scum. Ho ho ho.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire