Satire

Pleasoning Commissioned by CDC to Create COVID-19 Vaccine with Enhanced Flavors

LA CROSSE, WIS — The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has commissioned Pleasoning Gourmet Seasoning to develop a COVID-19 vaccine that is both effective and enhanced with an enhanced flavor. 

“Remember, we’re America! We don’t want just any vaccine,” explained CDC spokesman Sharty Glutamate, “We want a vaccine that really bursts with flavor after it’s injected into you.”

How the vaccine will work is that a weakened form of the COVID-19 virus will be mixed in with the delicious blend of herbs and spices to give the injectee an auto-immune response their body will not soon forget. 

Along with their classic Multi-Purpose flavored Vaccine, Pleasoning will create a variety of low-sodium vaccines including BBQ spice, Cheddar, Chicken, Chili, and Cajun. Eventually, if the vaccine catches on with the public, Pleasoning will expand vaccine operations to some of their more decorative flavors including Bavarian Sausage, Beef-N-More, Bloody Mary Mix, and the mysterious spicy blend, CAUTION!

“Americans want options,” Glutamate continued, “We’re excited for their gourmet blends of vaccines to cater to people with a more refined immune system palate.” 

If the vaccine is proven effective, Pleasoning has been commissioned to develop 100 million vaccine mixes. 

“We usually operate in the thousands of sales,” explained Pleasinging owner Frank Italiano, “But I think we can kick out 100 million vaccines.”

Reporters Dr. Jonathan H. Dong and his assistant Krotch Zander (pornography historian) contributed to this article.

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