“We Thought You Said ‘Scale-Backed’ Police Presence!” Says Officer in Godzilla Costume

LA CROSSE, WIS — Proposed changes to the District of La Crosse’s School Resource Officer contract have led to somewhat of a miscommunication.

“We are recommending to the board that we scale back police presence in our schools,” Superintendent Aaron Engel said. “Something was clearly lost in translation.”

Just one day after the district made this plan public, La Crosse Police jumped into action.

“As soon as we skimmed the headlines of the newspaper sticking out of the recycling, we got on it right away,” Officer Karpets Tugo said. “We outfitted all five of our SRO’s with movie quality Godzilla costumes so the scale-backed police presence they’re looking for is ready to go when in-person classes start up again.”

Officer Tugo became defensive upon learning that the district wanted to cut back on police presence in schools in general, rather than have their current SRO’s dressed up like giant lizards.

“Ohhhhh! Scaled-back?” he said. “But… that’s not fair! We already got all the costumes! We all took turns wearing them around the department yesterday, knocking over computers and roaring at scared interns! I think someone even got a cellphone video of me using a very racist caricature voice to say, ‘Look! It’s Godzilla!’ like a thousand times. Now we can’t return them AND they don’t want us there? Fuck! Do you realize how much money five movie quality Godzilla suits costs? It’s a lot… don’t tell the library.”

The proposal – sans lizard costumes – is set for a vote by the school board on December 21st.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire