WASHINGTON, DC — Emergency responders whisked away 55 year old Brett Kavanaugh Thursday morning for an emergency procedure in which he needed to stare creepily at a nurse at Walter Reed Medical Center.
“He is in good care and in very stable condition,” Kavanaugh’s doctor Buttchug Boofington said. “He is only undergoing a minor procedure in which his gaze will be surgically placed on an unsuspecting nurse’s buttocks for at least three to four minutes, unless they notice, then he will shyly look away and pretend he was checking out something other than the nurse, which could stall the procedure another minute or two.”
The call was made in the early morning as the justice, while being driven to the supreme court, saw the aforementioned nurse out the window on the way to begin their shift. Sources close to the justice say he began screaming things like, “STOP! I WANT THAT! GIVE IT! I DESERVE IT! I WENT TO YAAAAAALE!”
“We knew he had to be rushed to the hospital right away,” his driver Langston Perry said. “Normally, with anyone else, we’d probably just say, ‘Stop it! You’re being a fucking pig,’ but this fucking pig was somehow let onto the highest court in the land, so now we just oblige him, I guess.”
The La Crosse Times was not able to reach the nurse in question for comment, but other staff at Walter Reed indicated that he was fine with the supreme court justice staring at his butt.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.