Satire

Trump Smashes N64 Before Blue Shell Can Derail His Lead

WASHINGTON, DC — New reports Thursday that the official White House N64 has been smashed and broken.

According to sources within the White House, President Trump was letting off steam from constantly undermining the results of the 2020 election by playing his daily game of Mario Kart 64 on easy mode.

“He plays on the easiest mode – 50cc,” said White House staffer Gitmi Owtaheer, “but he always tells people that he ‘wins first place in Grand Prix mode on extra-super-extra hard, 9 Billion cc mode’… which isn’t a thing, but we’re just humoring him at this point so we can get through our fucking day.”

Thursday may very well have been the first time the President was about to lose on the easiest mode of a cart racer from the late 1990’s. Owtaheer said the president was reportedly ahead by a small margin, but noticed another player had fired a blue shell that was on its way to derailing his lead.

“We heard a lot of shouting about fraud and taking the game to the supreme court before we heard a loud crunching sound,” Owtaheer added. “The president crushed the White House N64 with a chair before the blue shell got to his cart.”

Later, on the White House lawn, reporters asked Trump about the incident.

“Well, all I can tell you is that I won. I won by a mile,” the president said. “And frankly, it was the biggest Mario Kart win in the history of this country, I mean nobody’s ever seen anything like it, that I can tell you… I can also tell you we are leveraging very harsh sanctions on the nation of Nintendo, they’ve treated me very unfairly.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire