Satire

Guy Not Sure Why The Edible Panties He Bought Don’t Taste Like Spicy Chicken Sandwiches

LA CROSSE, WIS — When he first heard Kwik Trip was releasing a line of branded boxers and panties, 35 year old DeAngelo Ticker was excited for the possibilities that might hold for him.

“I was sooooooo ready!” said Ticker, a man who has no problem buying gas station underwear. “I thought this was really going to spice things up in the bedroom – literally! If you know what I mean…”

Kwik Trip, known for its rapid expansion and multitude of locations throughout the region, announced their plans to move onto people’s actual asses with the release of their new Limited Edition Kwik Trip-themed underwear. Industry insiders see the apparel line as a bold play, with both BP and 7-Eleven having failed at similar attempts in the past. BP famously flubbed their line of head wear in 2010 with a typo that led to the release of a mass quantity of products labeled “BS,” while 7-Eleven stirred controversy by placing their slogan “Oh thank heaven” on the backside of a line of women’s underwear. 

Ticker apparently assumed that the Kwik Trip underwear was edible and flavored.

“I’m really disappointed in these edible panties,” said Ticker, who is also excited about the unconfirmed rumor that Kwik Trip may begin serving gas station sushi. “They don’t taste like a spicy chicken sandwich. They don’t even taste like anything at all! And they are really hard to chew. I don’t know if I would recommend them, to be honest.”

Among others in the region – most of whom knew right away that the undergarments were not edible – the announcement is also being met with excitement.

“This was just the natural next step for them,” said Mania Kopplekopf, whose love for a gas station brand is so strong she would spend money on fucking panties bearing its name. “They’re in the city, they’re in the neighborhood, they’re on billboards and flyers, they’re on your social media… now they’re going straight to our asses! Well okay, they were always going straight to our asses, but this is different.”

Some residents however – in incredibly few numbers – are less excited about underwear made by a gas station.

“I am amazed the entire internet isn’t dunking on this – the quite possibly weirdest thing of 2020,” Casey Jenralstore said, “which is saying A LOT, by the way. Imagine being such a slave to a brand of gas and fast food to want to buy novelty underwear… you probably don’t have to, because I bet a lot of you considered it – if not bought six pairs already – didn’t you?”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire