Satire

Rotary Lights One Step Closer to Being Just One Giant Fucking Lightbulb

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the Rotary Lights eclipsing 3 million lights each holiday season, the local event is one step closer to the ultimate goal: turning Riverside Park into one gigantic fucking Christmas Light. 

The lights, an annual gift to the Coulee Region as a cooperative effort through the local Rotary Clubs and numerous other nonprofit organizations, started their efforts to construct an obnoxiously-sized singular light source back in 1995 as a way to combat the wintertime decrease of sunlight. 

“It’s tough living in this area in the winter when we only get about eight hours of sun,” said Rotary President Festive Peartree, “So we decided to take matters into our own hands and build our own light source. Yes! A light source that mimics the power of the sun.”

Peartree then broke into a villain-like laughter before walking away yelling, “Nobody can stop me! Not even you, Superman!” 

Each year the lights pull in hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations in order to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars in electric bills. The Rotary Club’s Lex Luther-like plan is expected to be completed by 2035.

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.

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