Satire

Area Dad Has Absolutely Had It with the Packers

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area dad Gary Veldheering has officially announced he is parting ways with the Green Bay Packers organization.

The announcement came at Sunday night’s family dinner. 

According to multiple reports, an unnamed family member broached the subject of the Green Bay Packers overtime loss to the Indianapolis Colts.

Veldheering, who only recently calmed down about the controversial Jordan Love draft pick before the season started, became visibly agitated, gripping his silverware tightly, clenching his jaw, and cutting his piece of meatloaf with aggressive, exaggerated motions. 

At approximately 5:45 PM, Veldheering’s son announced that he had ordered a Philip Rivers jersey from the Colts website as part of a deferred allowance program arranged with Veldheering’s wife, Sharon.

Veldheering was unaware of any financial assistance programs for such purchases and became irritated.

“Goddammit, Brennan!” Veldheering huffed before providing a brief overview of the family’s budget and explaining the difficulty that goes into every dollar he earns.

Veldheering also reiterated he works hard for his money and will not see it “pissed away.” 

The announcement to part ways with the Packers came shortly thereafter.

“I’ve absolutely had it with this frickin’ team,” Veldheering said through gritted teeth and immense self-restraint as he stormed out of the dining room.

Sharon Veldheering then attempted to console the weary father of four. 

“Gary, why don’t you just relax for a bit? You know how you get. I’ll put your dinner in the microwave after a while,” she said. 

Veldheering was later seen reading an article about coach Matt LaFleur’s offense before quickly minimizing his screen. 

Packers CEO Mark Murphy was unavailable for comment. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

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