Satire

Lost Taste and Smell Due to COVID? Now’s the Perfect Time to Try Lutefisk, Experts Say

HOLMEN, WIS — An unfortunate side effect for many who have contracted COVID-19 is the loss of taste or smell, but experts say that negative side effect can be turned into a positive opportunity.

That’s why food waste researchers and Scandanavian restaurants across the region have teamed up to make one message clear: If you’ve lost your taste and smell, now is the perfect time to come eat a lot of lutefisk.

“Please!” begged Drugan’s Castle Mound owner Slorty BortBort, “We just have so goddamned much of it…”

As BortBort mentioned, there is an unusual supply imbalance when it comes to Lutefisk. Researchers at the Institute For Not Throwing That Out Yet, Someone Might Want It, You Don’t Know (IFNTTOYSMWIYDK) believe that could lead to a massive problem in food waste if not addressed in the coming weeks.

“Lutefisk – for whatever reason – is one of those things that just keeps coming back even though nobody really knows anyone who likes it,” said lead IFNTTOYSMWIYDK researcher Camden Flatula. “It’s kind of like Rudy Guliani in that way.”

According to Flatula, Lutefisk is made by soaking dried, salted prehistoric bottom feeding garbage fish in the same chemicals used to clean industrial ovens or dissolve bodies in crime shows. It is then boiled until it turns into the type of Jell-O that would have been more fitting a product for the real Bill Cosby to sell on TV, and ultimately served at a restaurant, usually as a dare.

“This stuff reeks, and it doesn’t taste any better than it smells,” Flatula added. “But we don’t want it all to go to waste either. That’s why these COVID patients will come in handy. Right now they have a built-in defense mechanism for eating this delicacy!”

Initial figures put the amount of Lutefisk in the Coulee Region at roughly 60 tons. COVID-positive patients who have lost their taste and smell are encouraged to call their local Scandanavian restaurant for a contactless delivery or curbside pick up immediately. 

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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