Satire

Man Refuses COVID Vaccine Saying “Who Knows What’s In That?” While Eating Coney Island Hot Dog

HOLMEN, WIS — Fifty million Americans, who collectively consume over 2.8 billion hot dogs per year, have decided that the vaccine for the COVID-19 virus is not worth the risk of putting it into their bodies for fear of not knowing what is in said vaccine. 

For all the faults that come with government run programs, the government’s vaccine development project, Operation Warp Speed, looks like a big success. According to Pfizer, its vaccine prevented COVID in 95% of participants in its comprehensive clinical trials. Moderna’s vaccine, which got $1 billion in U.S. government support, prevents 94% of cases.

Despite these promising statistics, there are still nearly one out of every seven Americans who are skeptical about taking the vaccine when it first becomes available. This could cause significant problems when attempting to reach the 95% needed to reach the threshold to be considered to have reached herd immunity. 

One of those 50 million, Adam Dickdickdick, who we talked to as he exited the Holmen Coney Island, is adamant the chemicals in the vaccine will be more harmful than helpful. 

“Who knows what’s in that cocktail of chemicals?” Dickdickdick said as he took another bite of a Coney Island hot dog drenched in ketchup and mustard, “I’m not putting that garbage in my body!”

Dickdickdick, who engulfed the pureed animal byproduct meat cylinder of monosodium glutamate, knows a thing or two about medical science as he claims to work in the medical field. 

“I work at Gundersen, so I know all things medicals,” Dickdickdick explained through a sloppy mouthful of chewed meat substance from his second Coney Island dog, “When you are cleaning the hallways and taking out the trash there all day, you pick up on a thing or two about stuff.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire