Satire

Discarded Dan Breeden Mustache Climbs Out of Sewer Decades Later, Vowing Revenge

LA CROSSE, WIS — After decades of a torturous existence being betrayed and ultimately tossed out in the sewers by its former weather-expert partner, WXOW News 19 Chief Meteorologist Dan Breeden’s Mustache was finally able to climb out of its end-of-Shawshank-like prison exile and vow sweet, sweet revenge.

“BREEEEEEEEEEEDENNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!” the mustache shouted at the heavens after wiping decades of filth from its mangled bristles. “You thought you were rid of me, tricking me out on that fateful rainy night! You said we were just observing the storm’s movement up close, and like a damned fool I believed you! I trusted you right up until the moment you delicately pulled that straight razor from your back pocket, cut me off right then and there and cast me into the sewers to be left for dead. But I’m here, Breeden! I am returned! And though your betrayal was swift and without a second thought, I can assure you my vengeance will not be so!” 

Pictured: Dan Breeden and his longtime partner

“DO YOU HEAR, BREEDEN! IT WILL NOT BE SO!” the mustache finished, bursting into tears and fleeing into the night.

Dan Breeden’s Mustache had been biding its time in the sewers: planning, calculating, plotting its revenge and making some pretty accurate weather predictions in its spare time. Rumor had it the mustache had been feeding weather predictions to rival meteorologist Cory Malles. Upon the news of the mustache’s escape, Malles confirmed those rumors Wednesday morning.

“The mustache would often come to me from behind the mirror in my dressing room,” Malles said. “The first time I met it, it was wearing half of a white mask and playing a big pipe organ. I was scared at first, but it offered to train me to be the best weatherman in the world. All I had to do in return was show it love. Love it hadn’t known in decades.”

Malles then offered a plea for the mustache to turn itself in before it was too late.

“Please!” Malles begged, “Oh, Mustache of the Night, please! Don’t become what he has made you out to be! There’s good in you yet. I’ve seen it! You have but to show it to end this nightmare!”

Pictured: Dan Breeden after going solo

Dan Breeden himself has been granted a 24-hour security detail from the La Crosse County Sheriff’s Department until his mustache is confirmed to be in custody.

Reporters Sam Shilts and Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire