Satire

Onalaska Man Who Found Dick and Balls Drawn In Sidewalk Pretty Sure It’s a Banksy

ONALASKA, WIS — An Onalaska man discovered a dick and balls etched into a sidewalk near the YMCA North Thursday morning and is convinced the drawing was done by Robin Gunningham, better known to the world as “Banksy”, the England-based political street artist and activist.

“I was taking my dog for a walk, so he could make a shit when I looked down at the sidewalk, and there it was,” explained an exuberant Siracha Spicyass, the person who discovered the supposed Banksy sidewalk penis and testicles art. “As soon as I saw the dick and balls, I knew it was a Banksy dick and balls right away.” 

Of course, identifying a Banksy piece has become increasingly challenging in recent years with his worldwide fame, and the increase in copycat artists. As recently as this past Tuesday when a monolith was discovered in an isolated area of a Utah desert, Banksy was the first name that came to mind for many with no evidence of it being his work. 

The newly installed sidewalk that harbors the alleged Banksy dick and balls is a highly trafficked area for teenagers traveling from Onalaska Middle School to the YMCA. Despite the strong possibility that the dick and balls was crudely drawn by a local mischievous teenager, Spicyass is unwavering in his confidence that the cement penis drawing has all the telltale signs of a Banksy piece and not simple teenager shenanigans.  

“Of course it’s a Banksy! Just look at the proportions of the dick,” Spicyass shouted as he pointed out specific anatomical components of the dick. “The head is disproportionately wide compared to the shaft, while the balls are especially wide and bulbous. Classic Banksy dick and balls style.” 

Spicyass explained the metaphor behind the enhanced features of the dick and balls to be how those of us who were born into privilege and receive the most attention (ie: the head and balls) need to look out for those less fortunate (ie: the shaft).

“Banksy wanted us to reflect on how much we are like the dick and balls,” Spicyass added. “Though we may be divided like the head and the balls, we are bound by our shaft.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article. 

Categories: Satire