LA CROSSE, WIS — In the name of King Gambrinus, one local knight has vowed to slay the Rotary Lights’ fire breathing dragon.
“I – Sir Bulbouswang of Shelby – shall do battle with thy foul stationary beast, ridding the land of Riverside of his reign of terror,” the knight said.
King Gambrinus in return offered Sir Bulbouswang his blessing to marry “Lady Heilmann”, his last remaining keg of Old Style.
“If any man or woman may marry the Lady Heilmann and tap her frothy goodness, they must first overcome the dragon’s might and slay him,” the king bellowed, “That, and only that, woudst prove thou worthy.”
The journey to the dragon’s lair is long, arduous and fraught with peril. Legend says the knight will have to trek his faithful steed, “2007 Nissan Altima” for four to six hours behind others along the path before even getting to the mouth of the dragon’s lair in the land of Riverside. Then he must dismount his steed in a legal parking spot, and fight his way through the dragon’s minion army of tired and frostbitten families, scale the two foot rope barrier and finally face his nemesis.
“I hear tell the dragon has a weak spot – a small gray box at its underbelly,” the knight whispered, “If I can flank it, the beast will fall!”
Sir Bulbouswang will have an audience of onlookers watching his quest from afar – mainly law enforcement and EMT’s standing ready with defibrillators and treatments for burn wounds.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.