LA CROSSE, WIS — A 46 year year old husband and taxidermy injury lawyer, Craig Johnson, has taken to calling his erections “The Utah Monolith”, which explains a few things, according to his wife.
“Ever since he saw the news of that metal pole thing in Utah, he’s been joking about me ‘discovering his monolith’ and pretending like his you-know-what might be an otherworldly gift,” Craig’s wife Tina Lea said in between puffs of her Marb Red and bites of her egg salad sandwich. “Let me tell you something though, if that’s a gift, then I’m gonna need a receipt from those little green men…”
Tina Lea Johnson, whose muumuu and hair-curler combination included most of the available colors on the spectrum of light, asserted that the Utah Monolith description was apt for all the wrong reasons.
“I finally got sick of it and said you know what? It is like the monolith in Utah because all of the sudden, it disappears without a trace or explanation!” Tina Lea snorted, “Also because it was first discovered by some other nerds at a wilderness camp or whatever.”
Craig has yet to let the harsh words get him down, as he now learned that the Utah Monolith may have been intended as an installation by the late sci-fi artist John McCracken.
“Ugh! Now he’s unbearable…” Tina Lea added, shifting in her American Flag Crocs. “Every night it’s ‘Check out this work of art!’ and ‘Release the McCracken!’… This is gonna be a long winter.”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.