Satire

La Crosse K9 Unit Prevents Local Stoners From Enjoying A Movie

LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse Police department conducted a drug search of a vehicle stopped on I-90 near La Crosse, when the K9 unit discovered three pounds of marijuana, or the equivalent of roughly 300 stoners enjoying one long movie, or one stoner enjoying 300. 

“We are proud of our K9 unit,” boasted La Crosse Police Chief Chauvin Nistic, “Today, there are three less pounds of dangerous marijuana in circulation in the La crosse area making people dangerously relaxed.”

Bark Twain, the K9 unit dog, has been trained to identify over a dozen different types of drugs. Each drug cues the dog to let out a bark of a different tone. For example, if Bark Twain starts energetically barking and wants to chase cars, he has found cocaine. If he just falls over and passes out: heroin. If he starts barking at invisible cats and scratching his own skin off: meth. 

“As soon as we saw Bark Twain look at us and smile with his tongue hanging out by the trunk of the car, we were pretty confident he was onto something,” Chief Nistic explained, “Then when he looked at his paw for fifteen minutes and started begging for treats, we knew there was marijuana in the vehicle.” 

The police then searched the vehicle where the three pounds of marijuana was discovered. Bark Twain reportedly continued to bark throughout the search in a groovy upbeat style, much like a reggae song, before taking a long nap. 

“We can all sleep better tonight knowing that Bark Twain has prevented a small group of stoners from enjoying a feature length film.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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