Satire

Local Republican Struggling to Throw Out Old Mushy Pumpkin

LA CROSSE, WIS — Dickard Junkle hates goodbyes. 

Though most of Junkle’s acquaintances would describe him as ‘fucking others’ feelings’, Junkle has waxed sentimental in recent weeks as he struggles to throw away one orange, dough-faced prized possession. 

“I love this pumpkin. Best one we’ve ever had. There’s just something about this one that reminds me of something, and I think they’re trying to steal Halloween from it,” said Junkle from his front steps. “I’d do anything to keep it around for a couple more years. Lie, cheat, steal–anything. It never got a chance to fully do what it set out to do.” 

Meanwhile, family members think the pumpkin has overstayed its welcome and that Junkle may be in denial, as the pumpkin is clearly imploding under its own weight. 

“We need to move on. That thing is gross. It’s obviously falling apart and unfit to represent everybody in this house. Plus, it’s left a mess that will take a long time to clean up,” said Janine Junkle, Dickard’s wife.

Though the rest of his household has undeniably decided to go another direction, Junkle has refrained from throwing the pumpkin into the trash can on each of the last two garbage collection days, leading to tension along pumpkin lines.

Junkle says he is prolonging the pumpkin’s stay because the garbage truck is unfair and his daughter Ellie may have illegally counted the dog’s opinion on the matter.

“I just want this done the right way, fair and square. I would do, and have done, the same for any other decorative item,” Junkle continued.

Janine Junkle was not amused by her husband’s claims, however. 

“He said that? Why don’t you ask him about the Cinco de Mayo decorations last year? We tried to have one fun thing, and before the party was even over, he took those down faster than another shot of tequila. Dick.”    

Sources familiar with the family say a final decision may not arrive for weeks or even months and that a peaceful transfer of decor may be impossible.  

The La Crosse Times will continue to monitor this story for further developments. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire