Satire

Speaker Robin Vos Releases GOP COVID Plan While Lightly Stroking White Cat in Secret Lair

MADISON, WIS — Wisconsin Assembly Speaker and real life ultra-nemesis Robin Vos released the assembly republicans’ plan Wednesday for addressing the coronavirus’s concerns.

The statement was delivered via video message of the speaker sitting in his favorite oversized v-shaped leather chair, petting a long haired white cat, all recorded at a secret underground lair in southeastern Wisconsin.

“Embedded in this video, you will find the demands from the grand republican syndicate,” Vos’s voice crackled over the static laden broadcast. “The governor has but 13 days to respond. Tah TAH! Muhahahahahahaha!”

The republican plan includes restricting local health department authority in limiting capacity of public indoor gatherings, giving the syndicate full say over distribution of the vaccine and forcing state workers and teachers back to working in-person. 

One suave British martini drinking teacher was caught trying to infiltrate Vos’s lair and confront the Assembly Speaker about his dastardly plans.

“Vos! You madman!” history teacher Nicholas Grond said, tied to the stool of a local college bar just about to open. “Have you seen the case numbers!? The overflowing hospitals!? Do you really expect me to teach!?”

“No Mr Grond,”  the speaker replied chillingly, “I expect you to die!”

The republican syndicate’s demands for saving the coronavirus are expected to be thwarted by the governor’s veto pen made special from Q-branch.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire