Satire

End Times Prediction Coinciding with 2022 Arrival of Mega Kwik Trip

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the new year just around the corner, local apocalyptic cult Seers of the Harvest have issued another end-of-the-world prediction and subsequent warning for all mankind. 

According to Erich-Albrahime Phillistine, holy omega wizard and bake sale coordinator for the cult, the end will arrive in 2022 and coincide with the construction of a “mega” Kwik Trip. La Crosse will be the epicenter of the final battle between good and evil that will decide all eternity, with Kwik Trip establishing man’s last bastion. 

The Seers of the Harvest posted Phillistine’s prophecy on their Facebook page late Tuesday evening:

A terrible vision was laid upon me! Hear all ye mortals, for the end is near. Beelzetron stirs his reckoning in the reaches of the universe, He rises in wrath to declare destruction upon mankind! But lo, there shall rise a great red and white savior, Adorned with Glazers and flanked by war-dogs of corn! At the corner of Ward Avenue and Mormon Coulee Road Shall Prince Karuba establish our hope. Draw near, the time is at hand! Also, Tuesday’s meeting is cancelled because it’s Jeff’s night with the kids.

Seers of the Harvest Facebook Page

The Seers of the Harvest believe Beelzetron is an otherworldly technological alien who has been plotting earth’s destruction for thousands of years and aims to condemn all mankind to his eternal possession. Beelzetron’s goal is to use the human race to help him build a female counterpart so that he can finally get laid and continue to mightily rule the universe and all other dimensions of existence. 

A spokesperson for Kwik Trip said the company has no immediate plans to gird themselves with a heavenly army or hire a corporate prophet, but the new store will be “pretty cool” and have fresh onion rings and cheese curds daily. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire