Satire

We Reviewed All of Our New Sponsor’s Wines and Now Our Exes Have a Lot of Voicemails We Don’t Remember Leaving

LA CROSSE, WIS — Aris Global Imports, one of La Crosse’s newest veteran-owned businesses, specializes in products from Greece ranging from olive oils to rice, grain and legumes and many others in between. 

Aris also imports the true nectar of the gods: wine. So we went to Woodmans, and bought and drank entire bottles of everything Aris offers. We were blown away at just how well each wine paired with leaving one of our exes a desperate, meandering, and sometimes unintelligible voicemail in the early morning hours:

Kókkino Fili – Rosé

Heyyyyyy… hey Lauren! It’s me… You ‘member when I got you roses? Do you ‘member that? I do. It was that time when after you got home you saw that I had just finished my awesome dance video for TikTok that also happened to have broke your coffee table in half and I felt bad so I got roses? Do you- do you ‘member that…? Anyway, I just drank some liquid roses from that country that’s based on the Disney movie where Danny DeVito plays a goat man and I thought of you so… you seeing anyone?


Idipnoos Red

Darren, I know I said we need some space Darren but… I need you and your lips, Darren. Your talented lips, hahaha. I’m only a little bit drunk, shhhhh, don’t tell, don’t tell… But I’m drinking this wine, and you should bring your lips over because… I don’t know how to pronounce this wine and you and your lips are so good at that sort of stuff. Anyway, byyyyyeeeee!


Iliostalaktos Dry Red

You know what? You don’t even get how good we were! You’re gonna be so mad someday when I finally finish the first draft of my screenplay and make it big and you’re still stuck here, only with your incredibly lucrative investment career and your many hundreds of deep personal connections with friends to look to! That’ll show you! Everyone’s going to want to see my version of Pride and Prejudice except with werewolves and robots! You’ll see!


Merlot

Hey David, it’s been a long time! How are your kids? Anyway, can you Venmo me like 12 dollars? I need some money for an Uber to get to your place and yell outside your window again.


Chardonnay

Hi, I’d like to place an order for pick up… we’ll get two pepperonis on hand-tossed, one medium thin crust supreme, a bottle of Cherry Coke, and also we should date again, I really think we left a lot undiscovered that could be really magical…. Ooh! And breadsticks!


Iliostalaktos White

I get knocked down! But I get up again! You’re never gonna keep me down! Do you hear that!? Chumbawamba wrote a song specifically about you breaking my heart and they knew it was going to happen all the way back in 1997! You’re going to be sooooooo sad someday when you realize that you’ll never get to tub my thumper again! Mark my words!


Sauvignon Blanc

Hey there, sexy surgeon man… it’s me. I was just thinking about how good you surgeons are with your hands, if you know what I mean, hahaha… so listen… the reason I’m calling is, I think it would be really sexy of you to bring those hands – and maybe a few “tools” – over to my place later and we can, you know… use them to get this cork I accidentally swallowed out of me.


Malagousia Dry White

Hey, I need your opinion on something… so I’m doing this wine tasting with my friends from the paper and I was assigned this dry white wine, but I think I grabbed the wrong bottle and just drank a whole thing of olive oil. Is that bad? Call me.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire