Satire

GOP Lawmakers Erect Fake Tree as Symbol for Their Fake Christian Values

MADISON, WIS — Two Republican lawmakers bravely and defiantly put up a plastic Christmas tree in the Wisconsin Capitol rotunda after Governor Evers decided not to erect a tree because the building is closed to the public due to the COVID-19 outbreak. This did not sit well with the Republican lawmakers who feel the plastic tree serves as a symbol for their fake Christian values. 

“Much like how it has been formed to look like a tree, we Republicans have been formed and shaped by what we say to make us look like we are Christians,” commented Representative Paul Tittl of Manitowoc, “Whereas the tree is really metal and plastic, we are really made of deception and greed we’ve formed to look like Christian values. This fake tree is sending a very powerful message.” 

A powerful message indeed. To be a Republican who weaponizes Christianity for political gain is a thin tightrope to walk everyday. It is only through meaningless public displays of grandstanding their phony religious oppression like this that allow them to continue being power-seeking moral shit-stains. 

“It’s really tough to be a white, upper class Christian Republican elected official right now,” Tittl continued. “We support policies that benefit the affluent. We fully support people owning and openly carrying military-grade weaponry. We’ve even taken a hard stance against helping fight COVID-19 under the illusion of losing one’s freedoms. All of these moves directly counter the teachings of scripture. And supporting Trump! Jesus Christ, that was a tough one.”

That’s why Republicans have grabbed their fake Christian faith by its “virgin” pussy and held on for dear life. 

One would be remiss to ignore the obvious symbolism of the sad, pathetic looking six foot tall tree that is dwarfed in the massive rotunda space. Historically, the trees erected in the rotunda are an immaculate display at over 40 feet tall. But the Republican lawmakers decided that a sad six foot tall, sparsely decorated plastic tree would be a better representation of their party’s religious stance. 

This is exactly why symbolic gestures like this are incredibly important media moments for them if they want to be reelected. Republican lawmakers need to continue to take advantage of and pander to their Christian audience; just enough superficial dog and pony shows that their Christian voters can lap up. 

“They need this for emotional sustenance, and it keeps them focused on religion. Otherwise, they might figure out how really shitty we are.” 

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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