New Stimulus Plan to Only Give Out One Politician-Themed Funko Pop Per Household

WASHINGTON, DC — A new development in stimulus talks in Washington has outraged a large number of US citizens across the nation.

Early Wednesday morning, The White House announced that in lieu of previously desired aspects of the stimulus like extra unemployment pay or one-time cash payments to each American, the new stimulus will instead only include sending out one American politician-themed Funko Pop doll per household.

Proponents like Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell say it’s really the best compromise they can get.

“This is an excellent solution that allows the American people to feel like they’ve all gotten something, all while saving the federal government from having to spend money helping millions of people in crisis,” McConnell said.

Others, like Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, were quick to object to the new stimulus plan, arguing it doesn’t do nearly enough.

“I don’t care how cute my bobblehead doll thingy is,” Senator Sanders said, clearly unfamiliar with what a Funko Pop doll is, “Getting a bobblehead is not a replacement for lost jobs and lost income. Hell, it’s not even a replacement for a decent Christmas gift!”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the newly agreed upon compromise Wednesday to reporters, acknowledging that there is still a mountain of work to be done before it can be finalized.

“I know this may not be what people wanted,” the speaker said, “And we’re still working with [The White House] to get to a place where this stimulus would be even more beneficial. For example, we think we’re pretty close to getting them to bend and make sure my doll includes the little gold pin I wear.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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