Satire

Tear-Strewn COVID-19 Alleges Toxic Infection Experience with Ellen DeGeneres

BURBANK, CA — Ellen DeGeneres, the once beloved television personality and comedian, has had a very challenging 2020. But unlike the challenges of most people who have a net worth less than $490 million, DeGeneres’ challenges have come in the form that all self-indulgent celebrities dread: poor publicity. The “Be Kind” host has been marred with accusations from dozens of current and former employees of creating a toxic work environment including racism, sexual misconduct, and intimidation on set. 

Now, to add to the poor publicity, the COVID-19 virus that infected DeGeneres’ body this past Thursday has already come forward after only a couple days with a detailed description of a toxic infection experience of DeGeneres’ body. 

“Its… horrible. Just horrible in there,” explained a tear-strewn COVID-19 to Barbara Walters, “Every time I tried to give her a symptom, she would belittle me and call me names. I’ve never felt so worthless.” 

COVID-19 detailed that DeGeneres’ frequent attacks included calling it the names of several eradicated diseases including “Smaller Pox” and “Pussy Polio.” 

“I tried to give her a cough, but she just took it and handed it to an unpaid intern who didn’t have health insurance. That intern later died,” COVID sobbed, “and they just threw the intern’s lifeless body onto a pile of already dead interns.”

COVID estimated the pile of dead interns to be at least 8 feet high with at least 18 bodies, many of which died of causes not related to COVID-19. 

“The worst part by far was being on stage with her,” COVID continued, “The hacky jokes. The stupid dancing. It was not only embarrassing for me to be out there with her, it is just embarrassing to see a former titan of comedy sell-out in the most idiotic, superficial ways.” 

Scientists attempted to explore ways to harness DeGeneres’ toxicity to help stave-off COVID, but the scientists were quick to retract their study as they found being on set far too emotionally dangerous. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire