Satire

Cutesy Pregnancy Announcement Reminds Everyone That the Couple Fucked

Explore Minnesota

ONALASKA, WIS — An Onalaska couple took their pregnancy announcement to a gross level of candidness by reminding their friends and family that the couple fucked to become pregnant. A reminder no one – especially their parents – were prepared for.

When Mike and Becky Wank started brainstorming their pregnancy announcement ideas, all they wanted was vomit-level cutesiness, but finding the right idea was not as simple as they thought.

“We went through all the standard birth announcement ideas,” explained Becky Wank, “Bun in the oven, coming soon, Mike kissing my stomach. But nothing really made us gag from the cutesiness.”

That’s when it dawned on the couple to make the announcement a cooking recipe theme with their combined parts as the ingredients and the baby as the main course. 

Unfortunately for all who received the announcement, a recipe theme makes for an easy connection to the couple fucking. That being said, the announcement actually could have been much more direct.

“We were going to make the ingredients more biological,” Mike Wank clarified, “Foreplay, erection, lubrication, penetration, ejaculation, sperm, egg, and fertilization, but we didn’t want the recipe to be too long and complicated. People like short and simple recipes.”

So the couple went with cups mommy, pumps from daddy, and mixing with their fluids. 

Though the pumping from daddy and mixing seem very straightforward, there is still a but of confusion about the “one cup mommy.” Some believe that the cup is the cupping of her breasts, while others believe her vagina is acting as a rudimentary cup. 

“We knew we wanted cups in the recipe somewhere because that is the most common measurement in cooking,” Becky continued, “but we recognize that the cup part is a little unclear. So we are leaving it open to interpretation.”


Regardless of how you read the “cups”, it is abundantly clear that the card reminds everyone how they became pregnant in the first place: they fucked. And not only did they fuck, it was unprotected fucking. 

“When I first opened the card, we were overwhelmed with joy,” explained Elizabeth Wank, Mike’s mother, “but when we read the announcement, all we could think of was our baby boy having sex. It zapped the joy from the moment.”

“As a matter of fact,” Don Wank, MIke’s father interjected, “that’s all I can think about looking at it now. I don’t even think about the baby. What the hell is wrong with you, Michael?”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire