Satire

STUDY: Turns Out Most La Crosse Club Goers Getting Their Families the Same Gift for Christmas

LA CROSSE, WIS — A study released Tuesday has found that the majority of those who attend wall-to-wall packed dance clubs on the weekend are getting their family members the exact same gift for Christmas.

The findings, published by Scientific Logistics Of Party People Yearly (SLOPPY), show that by far and away, COVID-19 is the number one gift planned to be given by 22 year olds ignoring the world around them. 

“You can see a video of hundreds of them packed in, waiting to get their presents,” SLOPPY researcher Dr. Remy Bonington said, “Despite the higher likelihood at these COVID-19 distribution facilities – or “clubs”, if you will – they’re not guaranteed to get it, hence the reason they return each week. They’d like to make sure they are bringing their families something really special for the holidays.”

SLOPPY speculates that the reasoning behind the popular gift could be due to a number of factors, first and foremost of which is price and ease of purchase.

“You know, giving someone COVID-19 as a gift is pretty cheap,” Dr. Bonington said. “Most of these people are able to get it for the price of a few rail drinks and a bad headache. Which is very affordable for an age group that doesn’t have the money, time or basic empathy for much else in life.”

Unfortunately, the costs of a gift like this eventually show up, and according to researchers like Dr Bonington, those delayed costs are very high.

“It’s kind of like surprising someone with a puppy or a kitten as a Christmas present,” Dr Bonington added, “It seems easy enough at first, but that could be a huge commitment of time and money down the road. Except in that case, your pug-corgi mix wouldn’t likely kill all of your grandparents and shut down the schools for another three months.”

Behind COVID-19, the second most popular gift to be given by frequent La Crosse club goers is nothing.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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