Satire

Dems Release Army of Cats into Capitol Rotunda in Latest Escalation of Christmas Tree War

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MADISON, WIS — The state’s most boring and tedious conflict over whether or not to have a Christmas tree up in the state capitol building took yet another step Wednesday when democrats released an army of house cats in the rotunda to topple the illegally placed tree.

The conflict originated when Governor Tony Evers decided to forego erecting a Christmas tree in the rotunda because the building was closed to the public due to the pandemic. Two republican legislators took matters into their own hands, putting up a tree representing their views. Tuesday, that tree was removed because they did not have a permit and refused to move the tree to an area where it was allowed to be displayed. That same day, Republican lawmakers put up yet another tree.

“It really is the most boring and petty feud I think I’ve seen so far in Wisconsin politics,” UW-Madison political analyst Jergen Frumpstain said. “But honestly, after this election and everything dealing with that, we could stand to have a little boring in our news now and then.”

However, Wednesday morning, democrats jumped into the conflict between the Governor and the Republicans, releasing 25 particularly naughty calicos in the hope that one of them will topple the tree. 

“We found most of them stretching under the lights on the floor this morning,” security guard Maven Clostemy said. “One of them was batting at an ornament, but got distracted by seemingly nothing and bolted away. I don’t think this will have the effect the Democratic lawmakers were hoping for.”

As of printing, the tree has yet to be knocked over, and dems are reportedly gearing up to dress one of their own as a cat and tackle the tree themselves. In the republican camp, discussions are ongoing on whether to bring in their own army of enthusiastic golden retrievers to counter the cats, or to arm the security guards with small spray bottles filled with water. 

As far as where public support for the battle over the rotunda Christmas tree lies, a poll of readers showed that 4% side with the democrats, 3% side with the republicans, and 93% wrote-in “Who fucking cares? This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire