Satire

La Crosse GOP Asks WI Supreme Court to Check Under Its Bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, Again

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LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse County Republican Party chair Bill Feehan has asked the Wisconsin Supreme Court once again to check under his bed for the Voter Fraud Monster, this being the 42nd night in a row. The request came again Monday shortly after the Wisconsin presidential electors cast their votes for president-elect Biden. 

Though the cast electors should have capped-off a tumultuous post-election saga rife with lawsuits and appeals, Feehan continued to beg the Wisconsin Supreme Court Justices to check under his bed for the Voter Fraud Monster while the justices just wanted to go home and go to bed and be done with all this.

“I’m s-s-s-s-scared of the V-V-V-Voter F-F-F-Fraud M-M-M-Monster. I don’t want him to eat me!” sobbed a tear-strewn Feehan when an exhausted Justice Roggensack entered his bedroom around 11:00pm Monday evening, “Can you check under my bed to make sure it’s not there? P-P-P-Please?”

After Roggensack and the other justices begrudgingly obliged Feehan’s request, they kissed Feehan on the forehead, wished him goodnight, and turned to exit the room before he yelled “WAIT!”

Feehan then made requests for the justices to check several other dark hiding spots in his bedroom including the closet, behind the curtains, and in his gun chest. Again, the search turned up nothing. 

After the justices assured Feehan once again that the room was safe from the Voter Fraud Monster, Feehan made one more desperate plea by asking the justices to look under his bed one more time. It was at this point that Justice Roggensack sat down beside Feehan and gave him a little heart to heart.

“I told him that there is no monster except the one you invented in your head,” a sleep-deprived Roggensack explained, “We understand that he is doing this just for attention, and we may be feeding into it a little by obliging him with listening and checking his ridiculous claims. I then told him the story of the boy who cried wolf, and that in the future it would be hard to take him seriously when he is making so many desperate claims.”

Unfortunately for Roggensack, Feehan became defensive and rejected the story claiming that he saw the Voter Fraud Monster all over social media. It was at this point that Roggensack and the other justices decided that it was going to have to be a hard parenting moment, and walked away from the bawling Feehan. 

“He is just going to have to learn the hard way and work through this himself. We’ve done everything we can for him,” Roggensack continued, “He’ll go on for a while, but eventually he’ll cry it out of his system.”

It was reported that Feehan then loudly wept for about thirty minutes before tiring himself out and falling asleep with his thumb in his mouth. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire