La Crosse Hiking and Biking Trails Closed Briefly for Emergency Sasquatch Hunt

LA CROSSE, WIS — Popular trails will be closed to the public the coming weekend due to an emergency hunt for bigfoot.

The City of La Crosse’s Parks, Recreation and Forestry Department made the announcement Friday following a confirmed sighting of a sasquatch, more commonly known as bigfoot, in the Upper Hixon forest trails.

“We are immediately authorizing a weekend long hunt conducted by parks officials to address the sasquatch infestation in Upper Hixon,” La Crosse parks director Jay Jacobsons said. “Sasquatch can cause irreparable harm to our forests and trails not only directly with it’s big-ass stomping feet, but also with the amount of lunatics it will draw to the trails trying to capture a picture of it.”

The trails are closed to the public effective immediately and will remain so until Sunday night, with potential for an extension of the hunt should that prove necessary. Fines for ignoring the closure could cost residents up to $300 dollars and immediate deactivation of Instagram accounts looking to capitalize on the bigfoot sighting.

“Please stay out of the area while we are engaged in this hunt,” Jacobsons said. “We will be employing all known techniques that we’ve seen on the Discovery Channel to find, capture, or – if we are forced to – kill the sasquatch. That could make the trail areas very dangerous. Trust me, you don’t want to get caught in one of our Battle of Endor type booby traps while you’re just trying to enjoy one last hike before the snow comes.”

Officials say if you happen upon a sasquatch on the outskirts of the hunting area, do not engage with it. Move indoors, away from windows, or any other visual opportunity to capture a grainy picture or video that could draw hundreds of bearded weirdos to the area, and call the Parks, Recreation and Forestry Department immediately.