Satire

Area Teenager Diagnosed with Political Aspirations

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LA CROSSE, WIS — Doctors confirmed this week that an 18 year old in La Crosse has been diagnosed with Political Aspirations (PA), one of the youngest cases in the area to date.

18 year old Sam Schneider first showed symptoms of PA at a rally where he announced his intent to become the city of La Crosse’s next mayor, according to doctors.

“A telltale sign of PA is making an announcement at a podium to a group of excited onlookers,” Dr. Gary Genex said. “This young man’s already done that – in a well fit suit and tie, no less – which could indicate his case of PA is already very far along.”

Experts say one of the most common causes of PA is owning a business, and is typically seen along with the reaching of middle age. 

“That’s what makes this case unique,” Dr Genex continued, “Most of the other new cases of PA have occurred in 30-50 year olds saying ‘Well, I know how to run a business, running a government can’t be much different.’”

Upon confirmation of the diagnosis, some residents became distraught at the news of someone so young contracting PA.

“Oh goodness! That poor young man!” a woman said, tearing up, not because she knows him or anything, but just because she has an abundance of complex feelings. “He had so much life to live!”

Others in the area were much more encouraging following the diagnosis.

“Don’t listen to them, this is a good thing,” a La Crosse resident said. “It’s easy for people – especially young people – to be discouraged or cynical when it comes to politics. It’s refreshing to see someone Sam’s age wanting to join in that process instead of whining about their town’s problems from behind a keyboard.”

Reporter Sam Shilts died of irony after typing that last sentence.

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