Satire

New Surgery Means Woman Legitimately Has “Handful of Years Left” on Student Loans

LA CROSSE, WIS — A La Crosse woman is excited to finally say she can count the years left of her student loan repayment on her own fingers, because she now has six arms.

Lena Riordan, 33, spent four years at university studying educational psychology with an emphasis in early childhood.

“I’ve made the payments I can on the loans, based on the government’s Pay As You Earn plan,” Riordan said while holding her phone and her cat and her two kids and writing a note to herself to take out the trash later. “That made it seem like I was going to be paying forever.”

Riordan says she was jealous of people who would post on social media that they could count on their fingers how many years or payments they had left. That jealousy first sparked her interest in elective surgery.

“I came out of that room at Gundersen like look at me now, bitches! Guess who can count all 31 years left on their loans if they use one of their toes too?? Me! That’s who!” Riordan said as she jumped off screen Mortal Kombat style and landed on top of someone, stomping them twice and causing major damage. “Yeah, that picture got a lot of attention online.”

Riordan is excited by her newfound ability to count down her student loan payments, as well as being able to win any snowball fight in which she may find herself. She has, however, now taken on $102,467.83 in medical debt due to the cost of surgery.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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