Satire

“It’s Not The Size, It’s How You Use It!” Says Economic Stimulus With Incredibly Small Package

WASHINGTON, DC — A recently agreed-upon economic stimulus with a very tiny package is vehemently defending its miniscule size after intense mocking by nearly 328.2 million people.

“Hey! Shut up! My size has nothing to do with my effectiveness, okay?” the basically microscopic stimulus package squeaked. “Trust me, US Economy, I can still get you off, no problem!”

The new and Peter-Dinklage-Viewed-From-Very-Far-Away-Using-Binoculars-But-Backwards-Sized stimulus package includes a one time $600 direct payment to those making under $75,000 per year. Experts say that will be enough to last until the end of this sentence. However, the package itself seems to think it will last a lot longer.

“That’s right baby! Get ready for the stimulus of your life! This little $600 package is gonna stimulize you all year long–uh, UH–OH GOD!” the stimulus package said, shortly before prematurely running out of funds and immediately falling asleep.

Asked to comment further, the stimulus later released a statement saying “I swear that never happens to me, I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire