Satire

Vikings Recruit Rotary Lights Kicker

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The Minnesota Vikings coaching staff were in La Crosse Monday evening, working out the kicker from the Rotary Lights to potentially join their roster as a full-time kicker to finish the 2020 season. 

The struggling kicker is a tale that lives in infamy in Vikings folklore, and after the struggles over the past couple weekends, the Vikings are again at a midseason impasse with the kickers currently on their roster. That is why the Vikings are currently exploring all options for a replacement kicker to end the season.

“We really have hit an all-time low for special teams kicking this season,” explained Vikings Head Coach Mike Zimmer, “At this point, as long as the kicker doesn’t look too embarrassing, we’ll take him.” 

The woes of the 6-8 Vikings hit a peak two weeks ago when the Vikings kicker became the NFL’s first player since John Aveni in 1961 to miss every kick in a game while attempting at least one extra point and three field goals. In total, Bailey left 10 points on the field, leaving the Vikings to suffer a frustrating and debilitating 26-14 loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This led to the recruitment of the Rotary Lights kicker. 

“We were very impressed with the Rotary Lights Kicker’s consistency and poise,” Zimmer continued, “We watched him kick for 5 hours straight and each kick was as straight as the last.” 

Currently, the Rotary Lights kicker is a free agent and has been working out for potential NFL teams every night between 5-10pm, kicking at a rate of one kick every ten seconds or 360 kicks per hour. 

Though the kicker’s kicks never go further than one yard, they all appear to be straight-ish, which is more than enough for the desperate Minnesota Vikings. 

“The bar is incredibly low at this point,” Zimmer continued, “We just need a kicker who won’t embarrass us.” 

The kicker was not available for comment at the time of this article because it was written during daylight hours. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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