Satire

With First Vaccines Delivered, La Crosse Plans a “Return to Normal” Starting 6 Months Ago

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the first of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines delivered and administered to front-line healthcare workers in La Crosse, officials are now saying residents can plan a “return to normal”, to begin six months ago.

“Now that the vaccine is finally here, we can finally start to ease up on staying home, on limiting social interaction, and on avoiding Applebees in groups of 15 or more,” La Crosse Health Department spokesperson Lania Ranklestorm said. “We expect that La Crosse residents can start that process as soon as last June.”

Many in the area were ecstatic to hear the news that their vigilance and resolve for beating an airborne pandemic will finally be allowed to subside two weeks after Memorial Day, 2020.

“That’s great! I honestly can’t wait to stop being cooped up in my house,” La Crosse resident Jeff Fredricks said, stepping off the treadmill at Iron Physique Gym. “That really does a number on your mental health.”

“Yay! I can’t wait to go to bars again!” shouted Andrea Wickens, from the dance floor of Legends Bar. “I’m really gonna need a drink after this! And I wanna see my friends again!”

“Yeah, she wants to see her friends again!” shouted one of Wickens’ friends dancing beside her.

Most of all, residents are happy that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and that eventually it will be safe to go out again.

“That first day of not having to wear a mask is going to be very special,” said Brandon Tankstain, who refused to wear a mask for his interview and also anywhere else in his life. “To finally be able to breathe fresh air again, unimpeded, will truly be a moment I won’t soon forget.”

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.

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