Satire

Arm Hypocrite Scott Stapp Promotes Arms Wide Open, Doesn’t Hold Self to Same Standard

MIAMI, FL — Former Creed front man and activist for holding arms wide open Scott Stapp has been photographed on several occasions with his arms in a closed position, sometimes completely folded. 

The photographs were discovered by The La Crosse Times staff this past Wednesday after an intensive thirty second Google search investigation yielded more than 18 pictures of the Eddie Vedder impersonator with arms nowhere near wide open. 

“It is well known in the post-grunge musical community that while on stage, Mr. Stapp will hold his arms open wider than any other person on the planet,” explained post-grunge historian Dropdee Tooning, “That’s what attracts his fans to him; the illusion of arms constantly wide open. But as soon as Stapp leaves the spotlight of the stage, those arms quickly close up like a bear trap closing on your heart. That open-armed phony!”

Of the eighteen disturbing photos uncovered, in eight of them Stapp has his arms at his sides or in his pockets, four of the pictures show Stapp with his hands folded, and one grizzly image displays Stapp with his arms completely folded across his chest. What makes this arms folded photograph so graphic is that Stapp was also looking away from the camera in obvious defiance at the thought of opening his arms to anyone.

Tooning and the other six members of the post-grunge musical community want Stapp to come forward and admit he only has his arms wide open to make money and not at all times like he purports. 

“It’s like he knows he should have his arms wide open, but he doesn’t even care,” Tooning continued, “He needs to come clean as the regular-armed position person that he is.”  

Stapp released a statement in the form of a ballad at 65 bpm in 4/4 time the key of D minor that read: 

“Rrrrahhrr meeeeo rrraiz frrrrownnn chiiiil thrrrrrrrewww.
Screeeee ferrrr oewnnnn drrrr crayyyy!
OHHHHHHHHHHHH.” 

-Scott Stapp

PS: Ribbbleeeee rayyyyyy gowwwwwwn.  

The message translated from 90s nose-singing language says: 

“I admit that I sometimes do not have my arms wide open.
 My deltoids need a rest once in a while.
 OHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

-Scott Stapp

PS: Jokes about me are getting really old. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire