OPINION: I’m Not Stealing Christmas This Year, I’ve Got Decades Of Priors

WHOVILLE, WA — I just can’t risk it this year, I know you love seeing me steal Christmas every year and then learn a lesson, but the Whoville magistrate says if I get one more mark on my record, I’m going to the Gumdrop Gulag to rot forever.

Seriously… have you ever done time? I have. Trust me, you don’t do decades of Christmas stealing without having a few run ins with the law. And I can’t go back to prison. I may seem like the big bad around here, but that’s just because you don’t know about the others in there.

You don’t know about the guy who stabbed 13 people with a sharpened candy cane. You don’t know about the guy who tricked a whole classroom of children to look at his whimsical “Christmas Present”. And those aren’t even the worst ones. There’s some bad motherfuckers in there that I vowed I would never see again.

So I’m skipping it this year. My self-preservation just grew three times this day. I’ll just spend Christmas with Max and the girl from the Whoville Costco that I’ve been seeing and pray that those pictures of me and Epstein from the 1980’s don’t go public…

Um… I mean… Never mind that, that’s just the egg nog talking. Merry Christmas!

The Grinch Who Legally Rented Christmas From A Legit Source contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire