Satire

OPINION: The Only Thing More Highly Anticipated Than the New Wonder Woman Movie is My Spoiler-Filled Thoughts of it on Facebook

LA CROSSE, WIS — If you’re like me, you’ve been looking forward to the new Wonder Woman movie that released on HBO Max Christmas Day. And if you’re really like me, you’re even more excited to accidentally stumble upon my immediate and spoiler-filled reaction to it on Facebook.

I don’t blame you. Having a movie ruined even just a little bit by an armchair movie critic white guy in his late twenties must be an absolute honor! I mean, I don’t mean to brag, but I did manage to watch Citizen Kane this year (most of it) and let me tell you: don’t really get what the appeal is.

You probably don’t hear that from most movie critics! That’s just one of many reasons that I know my opinion is special and worthy of a Facebook post immediately after I’ve seen a highly anticipated film that ruins a key point of said film.

And if you’re wondering why I would choose to spoil a key part of a movie, it’s simple: I – the movie critic genius – don’t really believe it was that important! I mean, anyone could piece together what happens if they watched all of the trailers and featurettes and interviews with the director and cast and YouTube videos speculating on where the story thread might go based on all available knowledge. If you didn’t do that, my god, you wouldn’t even know anything about the story going into the movie! Can you imagine? You would be surprised by everything because you’d be experiencing it for the first time! What loser would want that?

My point is: you’re welcome. It’s a lot of work making sure that anyone who sees my feed knows exactly how they should feel about movies and TV before and after they see them, but it’s worth it. I’m a young white guy, my opinion means something.

Anyway, Wonder Woman’s boobs should have been bigger: 1 out of 5 stars.

White Guy Movie Critic contributed to this article and oddly enough, probably wouldn’t take this kind of criticism well.

Categories: Satire