Report: Wearing Mask Totally Makes Your Penis Look Bigger, Breasts Look Fuller

La Crosse Times Year In Review – June

LA CROSSE, WIS — A new study conducted by Gundersen Health System confirms that wearing a mask not only helps limit the transmission of the COVID-19 virus, but it also makes your penis look bigger and/or your breasts look fuller. 

Last April, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) started encouraging all Americans – even people who feel healthy – to wear cloth face masks or homemade face coverings in public when 6-feet social distancing. But as area businesses opened back up in May, enforcing the masks and social distancing guidelines gradually relaxed, which has now resulted in an explosion of new cases in the La Crosse area. 

The lack of mask wearing has perplexed medical experts as it comes with virtually no consequence as it protects the wearer and those around them. Despite several studies proving the effectiveness of masks, people continue to refuse citing personal choice and freedoms, wearing one is considered “living in fear”, and believing the pandemic is a hoax.  

“We decided to study to see if there were benefits to wearing a mask,” said Doctor Lawrence Jameison, “hoping to find a side-effect of wearing the mask that people might find enticing.” 

Jameison and his team at Gundersen found exactly that. 

Results of the month-long study concluded that wearing a mask makes the average penis up to 50% longer and breasts up to one full cup size fuller. The study had 10,000 adult participants, and almost every single one showed positive increases in penis size and/or breast fullness. The only people who did not experience those  were the very few who have abnormally large penises and breasts. In their situations, the penis and breast sizes appeared to shrink to a more manageable size. 

“We were worried that some people in the study already had the perfect size penis and/or breasts,” Jameison explained, “but we quickly realized that nobody is happy with their penis and/or breast size.” 

Along with the sexual enhancement, Gundersen’s report outlines several other benefits of wearing a mask: 

  • Fewer wrinkles
  • Fuller head of hair
  • Clearer skin
  • Toner muscles
  • More confidence
  • Not spreading a highly contagious deadly disease that could literally kill anybody it infects
  • Whiter teeth

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.