La Crosse Times Year In Review – February

LA CROSSE, WIS — Teagen and Jace Breckenmeyer know a thing or two about losing self-control. Whether loudly arguing with their parents about time limits, losing their shit over a difficult video game, roughhousing to the point of injury, or running and barging into others at a local department store, the two siblings are always ready to go nuts. 

Now the duo have their sights set on the new Pizza Ranch restaurant which opened last week in La Crosse on Chestnut Place, just south of the Valley View Mall. 

“There really isn’t a self-control situation I haven’t explored and maximized,” said Jace, 10, from his duct taped bean bag chair in the family’s Onalaska home. “I’m a versatile kid. Put me at a birthday party, I’ll stomp on the balloons and spill something. Give me only one Christmas cookie from the tray, and I’ll whine, tantrum, and argue until I grind you down into a bloodied emotional stump ready to hand over the rest of them. So yeah, Pizza Ranch will definitely give me an opportunity to up my game.” 

Teagen, 8, said she relies more on auditory methods in order to obtain the primitive surge of dopamine only a good old fashioned behavioral shit show can provide.

“I’ve been told that my voice—at its highest pitch and volume—is roughly equivalent to experiencing 15 out-of-tune flugelhorns playing high E while sitting on a hot curling iron. It really hits you in the fillings.”

Both agreed that Pizza Ranch’s serve yourself buffet-style food service combined with their parents’ usual inattention will provide them with a unique opportunity to run off, overindulge in food, and annoy the living bejesus out of other patrons.

“Dad will be in a sausage stupor within minutes, and I’m pretty sure mom sneaks wine into these places. We’ll go on Friday night, so they’ll be extra checked out,” Teagen said. “I’m planning to hit that sweet Mountain [Dew] nectar, scarf half a dessert pizza, and tear up that kids play zone section like a banshee with a buzzsaw.” 

Jace doubled down on his sister’s claims, indicating that “no slice would be left unturned” and that “a real rip-snorter” can be expected Friday night. The ten-year-old also threatened that if there is a soft serve ice cream machine, “that mofo will be getting wrecked.” 

Parents Steve and Becky could not be reached for comment. 

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.