La Crosse Times Year In Review – March
LA CROSSE, WIS — The Brewers Association confirmed a startling discovery to the chagrin of local beer enthusiasts all over the Coulee Region: King Gambrinus is a Keystone Light drinker.
The APWAA, or Anti Piss-Water Association of America, was called in to investigate on behalf of the Brewers Association in early January when passers-by indicated there was something unusual about the iconic statue.
“They said, and I quote, ‘This statue smells like it is trying and failing to date a close relative,’” APWAA investigator Foamer Hopsly said. “That was immediately suspicious… [it] threw up a lot of red flags for me.”
According to testers, on the surface the statue looked normal, but upon closer inspection, the statue gave off the distinctive vibe of someone who drinks mass produced cheap beer.
“I don’t know how this was possible, but I knew this thing wanted to invite me to a bonfire where you burn old couches and pallets,” lead piss-water tester Stavros Benderheimer said. “I think it wanted me to shoot off fireworks with it at 6 am on a Tuesday morning too.”
Testing consisted of thoroughly swabbing the entire statue inside and out, including the mouth and goblet.
“We even did the sword, just to be safe,” Benderheimer added.
Results were delivered two months afterwards, indicating that the King’s favorite beer was by far and away Keystone Light, with samples showing an 86% majority of the substance. The rest consisted of a mix of frozen pizza (Orv’s) and Camel Crush.
“The pizza and cigarettes are consistent with some other testing we’ve done in the mid west,” Hopsly said.
The results of testing will now be forwarded to leaders at City Brewery and The Tavern League of Wisconsin to discuss any potential further action to be taken.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.