La Crosse Times Year In Review – March
LA CROSSE, WIS — The coronavirus pandemic is seriously throwing a wrench in everyday life for everyone, and we do mean everyone.
The La Crosse Times has learned that the notorious serial killer known only as “The Smiley Face Killer” is struggling to make the transition toward working from home.
“My whole profession depends on getting close to people, but I grew up with asthma!” the alleged killer said, through an anonymous note written with a sparkly pink gel pen. “[What] the fuck am I supposed to do now?”
The so-called Smiley Face Killer first became widely known after a theory from two former law enforcement officers claimed a woman was targeting young men by essentially drugging and subsequently shoving them into the Mississippi River. Each crime scene reportedly featured a smiley face painted nearby believed to be the killer’s calling card.
“It was already getting pretty impossible, given that people are now patrolling the river every weekend and looking out for one another like good human beings,” the killer wrote. “Add on top of that, no one can go out to bars now, and if I do happen to get close to someone, I might catch COVID-19?? Forget it, I’m getting nothing.”
The Smiley Face Killer went on to say she currently passes the time at home by nudging Ken dolls into the sink while the water is running, but it’s “just not the same”. She indicated that over the next few weeks, she may just give the whole thing up and go back to her career in marketing.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.