Satire

Local Fatalist Looking Forward to 2021 Sucking Differently

LA CROSSE, WIS — When Garvin Snackydick woke up this morning, he had a complete sense of rebirth and renewal. With the new year, Snackydick is putting all the terrible events of 2020 behind him and looking forward to all the terrible things that will certainly happen in 2021. 

“No more pandemic. No more presidential elections. No more Sean Connery dying,” Snackydick despondently explained as an unused party blower dangled from the side of his mouth, ”Now I can look forward to other things that will slowly ruin my life.”

Snackydick is hopeful that perhaps 2021 will yield some new and original catastrophes like a devastating earthquake, or even a new unnecessary war. 

“We are far overdue for Yellowstone to erupt. I would be really upset if I die without seeing that thing blow. I mean, the park is moving like it’s a damn waterbed,” Snackydick thought out loud, “Just imagine all the conspiracy theorists and naysayers trying to argue that one with a 40 mile tall mushroom cloud behind them. Could be a fun way to suffer.”

Though he promised himself that he would not read the news to not spoil potential 2021 surprises, Snackdick eventually broke down and read a promising article about how a new strain of super gonorrhea may make its way around due to rampant overuse of antibiotics. Though gonorrhea has been slowly mounting its comeback, Snackydick is hopeful of its widespread return. 

“I’m not holding my breath for gonorrhea. It’s not easily transferable enough and frankly just old news. We can do better than that.” 

All these new and exciting ways to ruin lives aside, Snackydick would like to see some of the 2020 events stick around in 2021 and see if they can reach their full potential. 

“I really think that our rioting could get better in 2021,” Snackdick explained, “I mean they started out good, but died down way too fast. I would like to see at least one city fall.

Ultimately, Snackydick is secretly hopeful that 2021 may actually be worse than 2020. 

“We are all so excited to get 2020 over with, but we never really consider that 2021 could be worse. I think it could because most of the stuff we hated about 2020 really wasn’t that bad,” Scackydick added, “I mean, was I only one who was disappointed by the murder hornets? Did they actually murder anyone? Pfft. It was like a boring B-plot.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire