Satire

Televangelist Pat Robertson’s Head Descends Another 8 Inches Toward Hell

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Media mogul, televangelist, and blackened soul Pat Robertson took another step toward burning in eternal damnation to start 2021 with revealing that his head had descended another eight inches toward hell.

Though the septuagenarian did not officially acknowledge the obvious decline, the cranial movement toward the underworld was abundantly clear to his brainwashed viewers on this week’s vitriol-spatting propagandized television program “The 700 Club.”

Since the show’s inception 55 years ago, Robertson has come under heavy criticism for using the platform to spout his vomitous hate-speech including (but not limited to) calling Hinduism “demonic” and Inslam “Satanic”, has actively protesting open homosexualtiy and feminism, and shaming people who are overweight or have disabilities for not praying enough to be “cured.” Robertson even took credit for his prayer steering Hurricane Gloria away from his hometown Virginia Beach toward the “heathens in New York” that led to 4 million people without power and eight people dying.  

It then comes as no surprise that Robertson’s head had a noticeable eight-inch dive toward the land of fire and brimstone to start 2021. The Devil even expressed his excitement for Robertson’s progress as he has been waiting for his arrival for a long, long time now. 

“I’m glad he is holding on as long as he is,” Beelzebub commented, “The longer he is alive, the more shit he says that justifies what we are doing to do to him down here. It’s going to be fucking epic.” 

It is assumed that the Prince of Darkness will have his minions skull-fuck Robertson repeatedly while Lucifer will give Robertson skull-fuck pauses from time-to-time to eat Cap’n Crunch from his cranium. 

It is also reported that Robertson’s skull-fucking will be televisied on a new showcalled “The 666 Club.” 

“We really only want his skull because that’s where all his bullshit comes from,” explained Lucifer when asked why only Robertson’s head was descending, “His body is completely worthless because it hasn’t done anything except be along for the ride.”

Jesus was nonexistent for comment, but Heaven did release the following statement about eventually acquiring Robertson’s shit-stained body:

“Eww. Fuck that guy.” 

-God

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.

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