Satire

SPORTS: Entire State of Wisconsin Volunteers to Donate Knees to David Bakhtiari

GREEN BAY, WIS — Following the news of Green Bay Packers left tackle David Bakhtiari’s season-ending knee injury, the entire state of Wisconsin has informed the Associated Press they are willing to donate their knees to the lineman in hopes of a miraculous return. 

Bakhtiari tore his ACL during last Thursday’s practice, and the team subsequently placed him on injured reserve after an official diagnosis. Heartbreak and disappointment reverberated throughout Wisconsin, as the Packers are on the verge of a deep playoff run and considered Super Bowl contenders. Emotion soon turned to action as Wisconsin residents began circulating the idea of donating working knees.   

“Honestly, I’d be fine with it. Cut it out of me today. I’ve got two knees anyway, and he needs it more than me right now,” said Jim Beringer, 34, of Waupaca. “I don’t give a shit, I want that Super Bowl.”

Nancy Reading, a mother of four and daycare provider from Readstown, agrees.

“First of all, fuck the Bears,” said Reading. “Beyond that, I want to rip the rest of the NFC a new asshole on the way to a Super Bowl Championship. To do that, we need Bakhtiari, and Bakhtiari needs a new knee. We have knees. The solution is right beneath our thighs. Coach LaFleur always talks about teamwork and coming together, so now is our time to step up as fans and give one hundred percent, and in this case our actual knees.”  

Reading and Beringer, like many Packers fans, recognize that Aaron Rodgers is approaching the end of his career and time is of the essence. They are desperate for the Packers to bring home the Super Bowl trophy at least one more time. 

Packers president Mark Murphy said the team has already received several knees from unknown sources left in Igloo coolers outside of Lambeau field. He praised fans’ dedication and support but urged them to adhere to team physician Dr. Pat McKenzie’s advice that “a knee transplant as you’re imagining it is not only ineffective but also unrealistic and possibly illegal.”   

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.

Categories: Satire, Sports