HELL, UNIVERSE — In his annual State of the Underworld address, Reigning Lord of Damnation Lucifer spoke to a large gathering of demons, evil legionnaires, and Fox News reporters about the organization’s yearly progress and future goals. No one in attendance wore a mask.
“This past year, 2020, was a banner year for us! One for the record books,” exclaimed a beaming Lucifer to thunderous applause. “I really couldn’t have accomplished all this misery without each and every one of you. I stand before you a humble and grateful leader of evil. And let’s give it up for Jeff, ya’ll! He killed it this year!”
Jeff from accounting is credited with the coronavirus project, an idea he presented during an employee brown bag lunch meeting. Jeff was also awarded the Congressional Torture Stick of Honor, which is a large water buffalo horn wrapped in active beehive, vinegar-soaked steel wool, and film from a Baha Men cassette tape. The device is typically used to impale victims or otherwise penetrate their various orifices.
Following his introductory marks and congratulations, Lucifer went on to cite successful quarterly progress in each of Hell’s four core areas: misery, torment, despair, and traffic. Though he lamented the end of the Trump presidency, Lucifer remained optimistic.
“While we sadly say goodbye to Donald as president, I’m sure we will all see him down here soon anyway. Plus, his millions of followers remain, so I bet we can still raise a little hell these next four years,” he said to more applause.
Lucifer then used the earliest, barely functioning version of Microsoft PowerPoint to slowly and painfully present goals for 2021 to a chortling audience that ironically included Clippy, the former Microsoft Office Assistant who is now a high-ranking executive for Hell after getting let go by Microsoft.
However, the biggest surprise of the evening came at the end of the address when Lucifer announced plans for the addition of a special circle of Hell that will feature Ann Coulter endlessly singing “Yummy Yummy Yummy,” a 1968 bubblegum pop song by The Ohio Express. Construction is slated to begin late this spring.
Lucifer indicated he and his project team are “particularly excited” about this new brand of extreme torture.
“Ann’s infuriatingly rigid views, harsh voice, and stony personality are a perfect fit to couple with a song that’s annoying as fuck. She’s going to help take us to another level of pain delivery. Souls are going to hate this,” Lucifer told reporters.
In response to questions about Coulter’s availability for the position given her still-aliveness, Lucifer said, “Actually, Ann’s been with us for years now. Employee of the month 666 times. Haven’t you ever noticed how pale and soulless she seems?”
Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.